it is one of those days that i feel so codependent. and you know wat a blog is for, is for friendless pppl like me bubbling to the computer screen. i think i m pathetic.
so every is out doing something, it is the cursed saturday night, and i m at home, suppose to be reading beowulf, suppose to be i don know, and i talked to my parent, my whole mood gone, i m exhausted.
cursed saturday night, fuck it.
no one wanna talk to me, everyone is up to something. i remember those time when i m alwasy somewhere on saturday night, and how i erased all those name, how i pushes them away one after the other, until there is no one. and i lament my lost, i curse my saturday, and i become pathetic, too pathetic even to talk about my patheticness.
why thing are so stagnant, is it me? why it is all fucking stuck. why I am wasting my fucking time reading beowulf, why am I trying to call someone jsut to tell someone i m very pathetic and i end up interrupting some people and i jsut get more pathetic this way.
even napoleon dynamic has something to do. i dont know wat i am. my dad ask me why m i so not tolerable for my living condition. why m i not want to live with a family, why am I not tolerate about things. and i say, i dont like it, i say, i cant, and i will go crazy and i will be ruined. I get out of a depression not becoz i m whinning, becoz my life is intolerable, becoz my life is truely eating me alive. and he wont understand that. no one will, ever, understand that torture, i know baout torture, i know about how dark a human mind can be, how bloody and violence a human soul and get. i know it all, but no one see the way I see.
i lack of a voice, and here is my voice, talking to electrical current, nonexsistent, i m a ghost, i haunt but invisible, i exist but no one know my name, i m jsu a stream of consicouseness, drifting over an ocean of dark poisonous liquid, waiting, picking up shells, throwing them back in, i leave with the tide, who sweep away my foot print. I evaporate with light, i vanish among the ocean foams, i am a shade of color, that shimmer and disappear, i am that fleck of light glazing the waves, I am a ripple, I am a bottle, I am a blind and furious fish.