went thru a tramatising night.
violet keep calling me, she message me and call me and what have you me for like two weeks, nonstop. this is the situation taht i don know how to handle. as I said here, I hate faking straight, a lot, and it was horrible experience in bakersfield. i don wanna talk to her anymore, i don wanna be reminded, and i don wanna feel sorry, when the pain is more on my side. and she keep calling me, and ask me why am i not responding, and it is not right for me not responding to her like that. fine! exactly! I am a fucking bitch, why don you let me be a fucking bitch! she is not gonna let me go, you know, i really afraid she will turn up on my door step, and demand why I din respond. the thing is, I dont want to! when you feel that some ppl are not responding to you, and dont you take the hint? why do you have to ask it and let them hurt you right in the face. why is she so eager to hear me say, because I dont like being your friend. that feel terrible to think, and it feel terrible to say absolutely. so there I was, giving her a chance. I was writing a letter, a coming out letter, for when there is no way out, you can only tell the truth. by being naked like that I was giving up the situation, I am letting her decided whether I worth her friendship. and I was sincere and true and I tell what I feel in the letter. and I said I never mean to hurt anyone. here I am apologizing for my agony. why am I always doing that. when my ex-friends ditch me no one say a word, and no one every explain or say sorry to me like I do. no one write me a letter explaining why they do that to me, why am I writing a letter to feel sorry about her, when I am the one feeling bad inside all the time. why the blame is on me all the time.
anyway, i jsut mailed the letter, and I dont know anyone will understand the feeling of fleeing. when there is things you wanna forget, you flee, you cut off connection with watever remind you of that thing. but she wont let me go. why she never understand the deeper end of feelings. why she don understand the reason for not telling the truth at some point to save somebody from ruinning. she jsut doesnt make sense to me. the way she hang out with her bf doesn make sense to me either, she is so co-dependent, she keep calling, she need attention 24/7, and it is not the way to do it. and dont ever force me to say that to her. she dont understand discretion, tactfulness, and she doesnt take advices. she say she has no friends, no true friends besides hang out friends. and she regard me as her real friend, and I am telling her that I am not real. that is pretty scary. I don wanna do that, but she is forcing me to. I have a feeling that she is gonna persuade me, and she is not gonna understand what I mean by I find it hard to come out, to tell the truth. she dont understand why it is hard, she dont understand the whole story, the deeper side of things, the complexity of being. I don know how to talk to her.