i wanna study at USC too!! i want waverly be my roommate! can? gosh, i m so stuck. glad to know miss cindy doing great, how can she not be, man, i gotta hang out with her ppl more often, gosh, i needa get on a freeway!!!argh
i wish someone can dissect myself and tell me what's wrong with it. why am i always feel so stuck. always feel this horrible suffocation, always need something to live for, always gasping for oxygen, always barely surviving. what is wrong with me ? am I not contented with what I have, no, in fact I made too much compromises. so what's wrong with me, am I comparing too much? or, am I really stuck, and if i need to make a change, what would it be. I want to make a change so badly, and i dont know where to start. I realise i have been grumbling on and on about the same old shit in this blog for a long time, but i cant stop it, my life havent change a bit. every single day it take me some effort to tell myself that things are gonna be okay, my bank account is gonna accumulate money, if i dont spend a single nickel this month, and eat every meal at home and dont go out. and i have to tell myself that, it is ok not to enjoy life coz my life wil begin later, and i have the rest of the time to sit on my yacht and watch white girls in bikini. and i always have to tell myself, bear with it, bear with the parents, bear with the discretion and secrets and the cage, just so you can be with her,a nd it should be all i had ever wanted.
i always compromise coz i know i can only have a little bit, and i have to work so hard for even that little bit. I wonder am i jsut being over possible to stay on the edge, and in fact I am born to be screwed. i am back on the same track as my parent did, stupid, saving a lifetime of luxury for "later" which never comes. and i swore I would never be like them, coz it doesn work at all. they end up saving a whole life and never ever truely enjoy a bit of life, and here they have a daughter that always complain and had depression and secretly think that she have to re-educate herself in order to survive. so waht they ahve achieve, i don see anything! and i don wanna live like them, saving for later which never come, i wanna enjoy life. coz you know why, you never know when you are gonna lost it all, why dont use it when you have it.
and here I am using my life like i have forever, and i m wasting it, bit by bit, I am so afriad of dying right now, seriously, I need to wait for my change.
i cant forget what tung said to me the other day, that sweet boy always said something for me to linger on, every single time, he said I just need to be patient and do waht i should, just so I can be all well prepared when the one opportunity comes, for I really need to be capable to catch that one shot for me to be someone else. I think it is very comforting. he say everyone has opportunity, but if you are not well prepared, you let it go, and you are the real loser after all these while. And i jsut need to believe him, and prepare myself, go to the best school, meet the right people, study a good subject, save some money. be well prepared and wait.