i think i m a bad daughter, i had my excuses, i had my explanation, but i think it is not to be denied. i m a bad daughter, in my own standard, it is not a culture thing. and the thing is i don know how to be good. and i spend my wholelife torturing myself trying to be good, and yet i failed. i don know what to do. i cant. i try everything, i try to be submissive, i try to have an opinion, i try to fight back, i try to obey, i try to be numb, i try to give in, i try to hold on, i try to be straight, i try to be who i m. i cant, there is no way i can make them happy. i dont know what they want. when i ask them, they say they jsut want me to be happy. and i am not. i cant be happy if they are not. and we keep torturing each other like this. i wanna quit, i wanna quit being a daughter, if it is a role that exhausted me too much. it is so scary. they give me life, and they are the only reason that make me wanna end it. and they have no idea what they are doing. i don wanna torture them. there is nothing i can do besides hurting myself and each other.
i m very sick of it. very sick of myself. i cant blame myself for it anymroe, i know how it feels, and it was hell. i wonder living together with them will make things better. i wonder living together with them will means putting a lock on the closet and i will never see light agian.
i don know what it mean, how can i tell you wat i want!