I read xiya's post.
and you talk about lin zhi xuan( cant even spell that), and you talk about kan and jeremy. and you say they are a triangle.
I dont even think kan read blogs, but i just wanna say taht he is such a character. I think he pretty much change my life, pretty much change yours...and he belongs to this past, he symbolises the past where everything is tainted, in a poetic way, and now everything is retainted, brutally, with a roller, not with a painter's brush.
I dont think kan read blogs..but how often do you have a friend that you can touch, and talk to and also live existentially like a character in a novel. someone you can raise your hand and tell ppl that, i think this is what he means, I think .....
I feel weird writing about a living person like this, i feel like i m typing paper, doing character analysis. I used to love him in a way that is beyond any relationship describable in my vocaburaries, and i can only do it in a sublime way, abstract it, even the word love is too concrete for that, to generalising. you dont get an A if you say character A love character B.
he is my nostalgia, he is my hope, and now it is all gone....I stop writing letters, coz i cant write letters in chinese now. and I dont wanna brutally ruin it all so badly, I dont wanna rip it apart like that. the world end not with a bang but a whimper. all it takes is a moment, and there is a time to create and time to destroy. whenever I think of him , there is a secret stream rushing by in a forgotten garden. Put your hand at my throat, and say his name. this is not love, to me love means greater things, it means suffering and wounds. we had a relationship that is free of wounds, he was the sword and I was the girdle. he was the nightinggale and I was the rose. We were beautiful then. He was the cigarette and I was the lipstick. It is the only possible way to describe it, metaphor, when you think of everything in life, is a metaphor of your mentality, i see a bird differently than you. and i lost my metaphor, metaphor is important, it is my existence...life was good when it was metaphoric, when we wrote poems and we give ppl roses, we know when stars cease to shine, we know when the moon light emerge behind the bushes...we know it all....
I don know....when you talk about kan.....i think about these. kan is a metaphor, I almost cant register him as a person, instead of a character, a symbol. how saddening it is when life is full of brutal reality, hollywood is invaded, we watch real people and think it is interesting. we stop dreaming and we eat popcorns..we need to percieve our reality again and again until it is all dry up of descriptions..until there is no other way to express sadness except by saying it out loud. we are all cheapen to this standards that i start to sound like a modernist. damn english classes get me so into it. and it all started with xiya talking abotu kan...it all started with me chasing after him and he was waving around with his sword. and it all come back to the time when the night was silence and I heard the sound of waves....crushing on the water breaks.....I was ready to give up everything, I was on the verge of giving up all that. I was. it is enough to write a novel , about a character like him, about the sword and the girdle, about nightinggale and roses ,flute and jasmine petals.....
i wonder anyone think of me like that, a character liek that...who is worthy of a book....while I am trying franctically to live a fictional life, and my eternal flight from myself.