halloween and i m just staying at home studying. is it wat everyone is doing, or is it jsut crappy me....i m so bored.
i don know, parent already here, gotta move on 2nd to the hotel, and gosh.....it is so heavy......
it is like falling out of love.
i don know what is worth.
we gonna be an accountant and she is gonna be an engineer, we will live in a big house, and eat sam woo "to go". or we should have an appartment at west hollywood, and party with the gay men next door all night.
i miss L word....I start dreaming about eveyrthing i missed. I dream about classmates in hong kong, i dream about both you guys in singapore and hong kong. i dream about some boys that i so wanted to love. i dream about girls, about singing, wearing my school uniform and we jsut sing and laugh like we are stupid. I dream about these stuff everyday. It is horrible to think about I am already lamenting my youth when i m not even old enough to drink in the States. I don know where my years goes to. where are my friends, i have no friends here. my friends are not with me. it make me wanna jsut get surrounded by them and feel safe. no one give a damn if i die here. i m so dyfunctional. it was horrible that some feeling started to come back last night, when i was standing at my hostess desk, that i started thinking that everyone actually hate me coz I always did something subtly wrong. I shut that away by imagining a book titled " the hostess" which is a romantic comedy, and a book called" the hostess' desk" which is a best seller literature . and i cant really shut that away, it is like some errie finger creep above the moist earth and apprehension fills the air. i don know, i killed the abusive one, the torturere, i killed her, i tied her at a stake and i draw the curtain, she boiled and evaporated. Now i have a nurturer, a hater, an activistm, she stand in front of a glaring light. i m so angry, so unsatisfied. the voice is telling me to do something, change it, do something and i dont know what to do. what do you want from me. she is an activist, i have an activist in me, she glow and she hurts my eye, she is so perfect, and i am shamed, and she tel me you can never be ashamed again, you were dead and now you are not. i have a dorothy allison in me, she has a preacher voice, strong, big , dykey and unsinkable. she hate rich people, she hates she hates, and she loves so much.
i wonder when this dislocation of selves could be stopped, until when i could be congurent, i could align myself with myself and live like a human, stop being frankestein. I feel so pasted together and every part of me doesnt coordinate. i could shut down something, i hate to manipulate myself, i hate to manipulate, but it is like in born, i manipulate so much i m so tired. I don know where I can speak the truth, i don know when i can be who I am. and the activist is calling, she tell me I can do it. she tell me I can do what, shut up, i jsut wanna party at west hollywood tomorrow night!