there are two type of people in the world
the controlled, and the uncontrolled.
and it is a scale thing, the more control you are, theoreticaly the more accomplished you become
and the less controlled you are, you are fucked up.
with the exception of some artists, who make their name by being uncontrollable.
and it is also like the scale of conservative and liberal, the more controlled you are, the more conservative, and less, more liberal.
so i belongs to the uncontrolled one, and my life kinda screwed up in some way.
and my plight of gaining control use up most of my energy. but yet, it is personal trait plus nurturing. since i stop considering any nurturing from my parent, i have to nurture myself over again.
gosh, realy, wat do you do if you find out the way your parent had brought you up was wrong, and you try you begin to learn how to be a person again, by erasing the old ways and finding the new ways and apply it to yourself, while at the same time you have whole bunch of 20 years old responsibility on your shoulder, and at the same time, you cannot blame your parent but to take care of their feelings as well, before they can take care of yours.
this is wat make me so busy these days.
so sometime i try to tell myself, orphaned people can do it too, and thye have no parent to teach them how to be a person watsoever, so it doesn matter that i have to teach myself.
just find out that coco chanel was orphaned at 11 years old and grow up in a church shelter. and that's where she got the navy blue and white classic and the simple material and prim and properness. and it was why the two Cs interlocked each other like gothic arches.
sometime i believe i can be a good parent, by trying not to make the same mistake my parent has made. but this is exactly wat my parent did, not to make the mistake that grandparent has made, and thye jsut screw me up watsoever. so i figure there is nothing call good parenting, we are all fucked up, and we fuck our kids up.