i went to church today. the priest was saying that he had a parish at sunset boulevard, and there is an abortion clinic right opposite. there is always a group of catholic people praying the rosary and putting some signs outside the clinic. finally the clinic closed down, and the building remains empty until now. he says, it is the power of prayer. I cant help but chuckled very cynically at heart. they moved, because they have to find a better location, somewhere the patients would feel more comfortable without people outside telling them you are sinning, repent when you can and go have your baby and ruin your life.
then i started realising i m sitting with a whole room of conservatives, and i m a catholic, i believe in the same god with all these people whose ideology i do not agree with. and that is okay, coz i dont think god cares about politics, i dont think if you are liberal you are going to hell. and it is ok, to collectively think that abortion is bad. and i personally think that, abortion is bad. bad for the family, bad for of coz the mother, and all those emotional wounds it cause, and i don know about the killed baby, he might have a worse life if he was born, or, i don know, if he grew up not loved and not taught and go rape some girls and go to jail and that's it, and what. I dont know, i believe that life is a blessing. and it is wonderful wonderful to see baby thriving and making people happy. I agree that abortion is a sad choice, it is sad, the priest doesnt dare say ti is wrong, which i appreciate very much. but i find it sad too, that to say the abortion clinic closed down because of the power of prayer, i think, superstition will definitely harm credibility. and i don know, i think to preach you have to appeal to more people.
and i told god last night alone, in the same parish church, that i m sorry. like i really tell god that i m sorry and ask him whether he still likes me. I ask him so many time whether he still likes me, becaose i m feeling very insecure since i think no one likes me, no one wants me to live, and wants me to be who i m. It is relaly scary and that's why i need to go to church and get closer to god. and i think god still love me, because i think i heard him say, even if you are in med school or law school you wil never be satisfy with yourself, and even if you do not love the person you love right now, you wont think you are the most beautiful girl, the most attractive girl of all anyway. since there is no way to be the person i want myself to be, why not jsut let it go, just do what you can.
god touches me in mysterious way. it was like, at the end of the alley, out of no where, after all the crying and yelling, you remember you bought a banana cream cheese pie from marie callender this moring, it is stil in the fridge, very seductive and untouched. so for that you get into the car and drive home, open the fridge, get out the cake, eat a slide, watch american idol and laugh like simon cowell says you can sing. it was the night when you need to kill yourself, and at the alley you ask god, why dont you take me home. and he did.