It was great to know xiya is here. I wonder how she call herself, is she xiya, or cindy? and finally i have someone with same mentality as me who understand what i m going through. I dont know what she will come to experience, and it is like deja vu, watching her, watching me, watching, all from a distance like a bystander. watching myself changes has been scary, to see myself giving in more, giving up more, living for the sake of living, and transforming into someone i never know, and learn to love my new self. I was hard, and i don know whether this is inevitable, or it is just a imperative part of my existence. And i imagine xiya going through the same thing, giving up things, giving in, learning, peeling, transforming, growing, it is kinda scary too. I afraid she will turn into someone i never know, and i will learn to know her all over again. it would be lonely, i told her yesterday. She already think she is lonely, and it will just get worse. there will be acquintance but not friends, and learning to live lonely is another thing. learn to do meaningless activity to cover up emptyness, learn to talk to people to take up time to be alone. it is all part of the education, pre-requisite, or it is the class itself.
and i plan to takeup a second job, jsut working friday and saturday afternoon, as a host for a resturant, where i can get 7 dollar per hour and 25 dollar tips at least for one night, and with the limited job, lik this i will get over 1000 dollar a month. that wil be way better than now. but that mean i wil have no social life. well, i decided that my social life start in UCLA, i am gonna join club, know ppl, get internship, and make more money.
and the one thing i learn here, is that you need money to buy freedom, buy happiness. buy friendship. there is money in everything. yes, it is sad, even an artist need a buyer, before he can buy some new paints and paint again. even a poet need to know an editor, who can publish his book.
i cant wait for my life to start, i don know what education realy mean, but i enjoy it anyway. I love really the classified to see what they are looking for, and see what i need to do. i don know whether it is jsut me, or it is like a coming of age thing, that you start worrying about your career a lot, afraid one wrong step will screw your life all over, or you will regret after wasting 10 years of time. i guess this is call a quarter life crisis, ya?
and it is nice to see yuki and rose, i don know, they are jsut successful person to be. i can see that, i can see their personality and those connection they have and stuff. it is scary to look at myself, and wendy, we seems to have nothing.