I was losing it yesterday. broke down crying my eyes out.
I been taking too much shit. from customers, those fucking snobs, and i could vision myself kicking that fitting room door open, drag her by her hair and her hands frantically pulling on her bra and scream. and i will be like you bitch! fold your old fucking shirts canya!?
and at the cash wrap , and when they make me feel fucking ridiculous, and i will cut their just purchased pants in half, tell them, I don fucking wanna get it done, that's why i made you wait so long, and this is your fucking pair of pants, regular prize, no returns, and no more your size, take it asshole!
and i exhaust myself by taking all these in, and smile and say thank you. i shall visualise myself saying fuck you everytime i say thank you, and when i see them walk away, i will be happier.
and the 1866 HR DIRCT personell was also giving me shit, she jsut freakking rude, and i was like fuck you asshole, i know you have a sore throat and wat make you think you are the only one taking shit!but for some reason i din put the phone down, which i should have. and then i started crying.
everyone give me shit, my parent, a lot, and everyone, trying to convince me that i m the one who is wrong, i should apologize for YOUR Happiness. I should apologize for your shit!
so i end up crying in my bedroom, wendy lee look at me and ask me why I cry. I tell her that i been spending too much time making other ppl happy and it is hard for me. she was like, but what happen? i told her, everyone give me shit, my parent and everyone!!! and she was like what happen today?? and i told her nothing really happen, i jsut realise i been taking shit and it is hard. she say, I don like you sitting down and think about sad things and cry, i cannot accept it. I ask you cannot accept it? she say, yes I will not accept it. and i was on the verge of apologizing for crying. and then i realise i m taking shit right now, when i m crying becoz i took too much shit. so i gave up, i told her i finish crying already,and i shut up. so she walk out of my room. at least i din say sorry. I knew i would before. and that is my fucking life. I eat shit, and grow in shit.
so wendy lee come back few minute later, and found me vigoriously crying. and she tell me to stop crying and she hug me. and I tell her that you are giving me shit jsut now. and she say she hate it when i sit there and be miserable. ( as she don understand why I cry, i don understand why my crying offend her) and she say ii have to let go of the past, coz they are over, ppl who gave me shit are over, they don give me shit anymore. I sit there crying like some 3 year old.
unable to thrive. certified.