I feel dirty no matter how much i clean myself
i feel ugly even i dress up as best as i could
i feel stupid even i have enough education and 4.0 GPA
i feel abandoned even i m so overly loved
I feel an inevitable doom of failure even though i just get a car and things suppose to get better
I feel so insecure even no one mean me harm
It is like drowning, it is like a entangled plastic bag between those rocks on the shore: abandoned, suffoscated and torn, undead yet inorganic, waiting to be eroded, existing as pollution and later incinerated to widen the ozone hole.

and i was talking to my mum, i don know but she feel like a paper doll to me, my mum, my parent. they are only voices on the phone and so surreal, they sounds like a concept, a dream, my imagination with no more physical form, i cant think of how they look like, i don know how they feel. my dad exist as some digit in my bank account, my mum exist as the no number on my cell phone ID and a voice that forever plead for attention, whenever i m zealously seeking among ppl around me, and forever fail to do so, and i did that to my mum, helplessly cruel, then i cruelty punish myself for my own cruelty to my mother, and suffer some more cruelty on my own account, and the spiral goes on. The paper dolls, my parent afriad they will lost me, and i thot having the same blood will help me trace my origin, and now i doubt it, maybe my parent are right, yes, mum and dad, you lost me, you dont have no daughter no more. I am dead, like, you are talking to me, but i m not, we are not communicating, I hear you , but i don listen, I live, but i live without you, I die, and i die without you by my side, and i cry, in my own little cubicle of solitude, and i fuck, with gals and guys you never imagine i would, I need to see a psychiatrist, i have panic attack, i have depression, i blame it all on parenting and i don have no kid on my own, and i do all this without you, mum and dad, yes, it is so heart breaking, if you know, I break your hearts, and i have broken my for exactly the same reason, only when you are not watching. it is sad isnt it, i know you are, and me too, only when you dont think i m , only when you dont believe i can ever feel sorry, i can ever cry for you.