THere are so many thots in my mind, you wont believe it, there are too many taht my head hurts sometimes. My heart, which no longer really belongs to be is in pain. From time to time it beg me to end the beating, from time to time, i cry my heart out and i wonder how i look, that terrified, terrified glare. I like to glare into space when i sink into that hole of darkness that sometime suck me in. I glare like being the only human in a monsterous place, or, being a monster , which is more likely. Being a monster.
Self destruction is so painful, it break me down, it drive me crazy. It is horrible to feel how oneself can hurt oneself so bad, to the point of paralysising everything, you cant work, you cant study, you cant speak, you cant live. I told her, I told her in those glaring painful eyes that I am in pain, i cant go on like this, I cant do anything with this in me.
I glare, beczuse it is frightneing, when everything turn against you. when you yourself turn against you, your body reject you, your brain reject you you soul reject you. I cant find a place to hide from yourself, except death. And believe me, life is so hard that it is not easy coming into the world, and it is not easy leaving it. We hve to cause some chaos for that. Our lives, everyone's life, be it rich or poor, man or woman, gay or straight, young or old are so hard, that everyday is a constant struggle for survival.
So many time i question why m i so wrong. So many people tells me I am wrong, and yet I believe everyone do wrong all the time. But why am I so especially wrong. I see people doing worse things then me, and they are not least ashame or remorse, and no one say they are wrong. but Why m I so wrong, everyone say i m wrong, that i have wrong them, that i am a horrible person, and they must be correct, since so many of them say so. They must be correct, and if i don reflect and change myself in time i wil become someone even more horrible. So I try, to live a better life, but I am yet still wrong, hellishly wrong. I am in no position to ask for mercy. but why is life so fucking hard. wHy am I so fucking wrong. Why dont jsut let me live.
so i know it has to be myself, something in me jsut gone wrong. Thre is this voice in my head that speak of evilness, and destroy and torture me. I am tied up in a chair, watching myself being ruthlessly tortured by myself, skin by skin, wound by wound i bleed and I whine and I groan and I pass out, IT is so horrible that i don even wanna see, but i m tied up at my chair and I, the punisher force me to see it. I sometime beg her to let me go, let me tender to her wounds and let her life again. sometime it hurt me so much to see and I beg her to let me die, just kill me and stop infleting pain. Sometime i jsut close my eyes, and move on and that is wat I did most of the time, to get on with daily life. So somtime the sight jsut came in and I go crazy, I glare with those terrified eyes and beg to die, cry to live.