Wat happen to me? everything seems not very right, trying to be happy, and i force it too hard that i fail to decieve myself. i try to make it all biological, maybe period coming, my health class tells me to take it biologically. science is unromantic, and everything are just nerves responses and hormones.....
I should be in it at all.....This is getting serious, i htink or it more frequently than ever, is it the end of it? i don see it. but all these has no reason. for heart break, mutilating one's own heart is just, mere saddistic pleasure. What if i were to mutilate yours. Is that murder?

some times i m just seeking attention, identity, to make a statement about myself, being, not in the mainstream. and i fail to do so. I m too sober to realise that, those attention that i got , are pathetic, unreal attention that i so humbly plead with my dignity. because i only have little of them, so i held them so dearly. and how if you have too much? that undermined mine, and crash me. even the only little bit i have.

i realise that, when someone fell for me, and let me know. i ll look down on them. they are automatically degraded, into pathetic creature, helpless in a love the destined to tragedy. I saw it right from the start. no matter how good you are, the moment you let me know you love me, you are down graded. so, no body, ever, get me by this way. I only love those i love. no one can influence me on this. So, the only case i would fall in love, would be a mutual love, or, a relationship initiated by me. and upon this latter one. If i were to look down on ppl who fell for me. I will have to degrade meself for loving you. this is how i get this feeling. of being not good enough, of being lowly, of being no match to you, of being hopelessly incapable, of being unattractive........coz i m the one who fell...and that is the only way.