today is the 31 of dec 2004. i woke up knowiing i m having my period. i was invited to a party tonight. and now i start thinking back about 2004. my first year in the states.
i m so glad to be happy my period eventuially. it make me feel brand new. somehow it make me feel watever shedding in my uterus is cleansing me, my sin, my filthyness, my wound, and blood.
this is the first time i ever enjoy having a period. on the last day of a year of craziness.
2004 start with a nightmare and end with a fairy tale. nothing can be better than that.
it was painful htat's why it was beautiful. like childbirth. life emerged from pain.

i wonder who will jump into the raging sea with me if i were in there.
watching the news i start picturing myself in the waves, that same dream i had on the very day after 26 dec, i was walking on wooden plank on top of the yellow water waiting to engulf me. wat if i feel very surely that i will die. i wonder how that feel like, i doubt there will be pain, coz when you are deaperately fighting for life you forget pain. or you are already pass out and water start filling your lung, and you see your life flash right in front of you. i wonder wat is it were me.
my parent and me were in langawi, relaxing in the only weekoff my dad can have. it was raining, the monkey cuddling on the roof top. we have a perfect sea view to our room. wat if it came on that very day. i could have die. i could have see my mum being torn away, i could have see my dad cry, i could have see my dad choosing me or my mum to save. i could have lost in the water alone. and wat do i care about at that pt, things that i dinn tell my loved one? things that i did wrong? or thinking about heaven and hell.

i m afriad of dying, i know i will go striaght to hell if i die now.