I detected the virus....
i don know is it gonna be PMS, or is it coming back to me again for real....
i just feel like ending everything, to be totally weak and messed up with things....the recent kate moennig craze is just a vain attempt to cover up a tumbling emptiness. and i realise this whole situation a few min ago. ya, i look for kate's website , savouring every single pic or video clip not exactly becuase i m becoming such a fanatic. i m just giving myself excuse of being totally paralysed in real life. so i m occupied, i don need to think. yes, i have not use my fucking brain for so long. and i think i m fucking stupid now. i m dumb. i was not. i was everything, and now i m everyhting too but nothing.
movtivation is gone, and i wonder has it ever existed. sometime it feel like life ends at 12am everynight, and i reincarnate into the same old me after that, live the same routine, and die again everynight.
i htink it must be the phone call from eda. i m surprised that the frustration really get right in my nerve. and wat do i get from the "L" word? wat the fuck do i get?i question my entire struggle that i put off with my life, do i neccesarily have to endure everything? why take the hard way out? yes, fuck you haze! why take the hard way out of every fucking thing you do!
yuki says the L word is for tough ppl, strong capcable independent big time winner, who is gonna do fucking well , so taht they can enjoy a love that is so demanding. and i m so not qualified for that. and i m so not qualify for everything in my life. i wanted to do a hell lotsa thing, and then i realise i m not able to .